A Box of Beary.

It'd been two weeks since they called to say KoBear's ashes had arrived. And I felt simultaneously guilty for leaving him there, and grossed out by the idea of picking him up. Who was this person who actually took little Beary's body and burned it? Did they watch as it happened? I don't think I would have chosen to have his remains if it weren't for Temple, who is sweetly sentimental and ritualistic about these things.

But alas, the errand fell to me, and finally this Tuesday, I bit my upper lip and ran it: I went back to the cancer doc where Kodie passed away to pick up his ashes.

I wanted to make it quick, even left the car running, so I could run in and out, and make a clean get-away. But as I stood there, waiting in the reception area, I realized it wasn't going to be so easy.

The receptionist pulled a box out of the cupboard. She handled it very sweetly, very gently, and walked it around the desk to hand to me with both hands. Very respectful, almost as though she were giving me the flag draped over the coffin of a fallen soldier. I took it with both hands, and walked very carefully to the car.

I was holding it together - for all of those two seconds I was in public - until I got that Box of Beary into the car, sat it down in the passenger seat, and realized it was all I had left of my baby boy. That box that sat next to me, that I was afraid to open, afraid to jostle, and afraid to drive with for fear of spilling him -- that was all I had left.

I cried uncontrollably. All those snuggles, all those smiles, the high-fives, the fetching, the swimming, the Kobear Hole, his last days so sad and sick, and the particular pain we feel in his absence -- it all came rushing over me.

So this weekend, at Montara Beach, with Bailey and Temple, my mom and her two goldens, we will open the Box of Beary and spread his essence all over Montara Beach. And this season of Camp Fluppy Puppy will begin on a very somber but important note: in tribute to KoBear.

Bailey Here ...

Woof!
I've taken over on this blog because I'm tired of all the mourning.
Let's get this dog blog started!

All I can say this morning is thank god for Aunt Linda and 100-degree heat!!
Yesterday it was so hot, I think Mommis' brain got a little scrambled.
She came home about 2 in the afternoon, and announced we were breaking our diet.
Woof Woof!!

First, we had awesome cookies from Aunt Linda.
Mommis even tried one of the cookies to make sure they were okay (hey, paws off!) -- she said they tasted like Lorna Doones.
Here's a picture of me eating one, just to prove they made it past the Organic Gestapo.

Then we had ice cream. Mine was called Frosty Paws. Hers was called Ben & Jerry.

And then, I guess because it was so hot, Mommis threw out that stinky Citronella spray crap and broke out the Frontline!!
Thank god!

It was an all-around inorganic day.
And damn it felt good.

Coming Soon to a Theater Near You.

Rock on! I just realized Blogger supports video. And I took some great video on Kodie's last day. I'll try to edit together a tighter compilation of Kodie footage this weekend.

Thanks to all of you for reading and commenting and emailing me about the blog.

Means so much to me to know you're out there.

The Silver Lining

If there's any silver lining to losing Kobear so young, it's that I'm now able to lavish amazing amounts of attention on Bailey.

Yesterday was the first walk we've had since Kodie's passing that I can really say was good. Bailey was shakin' his buns and fetching like mad, and midway through the walk, I felt the old familiar surge of happiness. It reminded me how these walks can and will still be the most joyous parts of my life. I finally didn't feel like we were missing Kodie; I was able to focus on Bodie, his rapidly improving fetching skills, his glowing health, and our rapidly deepening relationship.

I'm able to do things I could never do for two dogs, like cook for him, buy every new supplement I read about, and brush him daily. Bailey, the former independo, is really taking a liking to all this attention. I take him everywhere with me - to cafes, on errands, and to the mailbox. And I talk to him constantly. As such, he now sees us as companions. He comes straight to bed when I announce it, he snuggles up on the couch between Temple and me, and he even likes it when I brush him. All these things were characteristic of Kodie-pendent, but not BayDogRebelli.

There are so many downsides to having only one dog -- he doesn't have a companion, there's less activity around the house, we miss our puppy, and we generally feel less like a big family unit. But there is one silver lining: we can focus on making Bailey feel like one royal, much-loved, well-pampered puppy.

Natural Flea and Tick Prevention

Since Kodie's passing, I pledged to get really holistic in all aspects of pet care. As you know, this applies to food. But also to stopping my Terminix service at the house (pesticides in our grass) and also aborting use of Frontline.

This last one is especially tough, because we live next to a very lush mountain, and everyday we walk through the trail and come home with ticks and fleas. Frontline has been our savior.

But I have to take my cues from Kodie, and in his last couple months, he really cowered when it came time for his Frontline dose. You could tell he didn't like it, and I'm sure it made him feel sick or weakened his little immune system, which he desperately needed to fight the cancer. I know he was also giving me cues about what to feed him, because he would only eat sardines or tuna at the end -- no grains -- and this is what all the cancer books say (to feed protein). So I'll take it from Kodie: there's something to this meme about Frontline being dangerous to our pets.

But what natural alternatives are there to Frontline and Advantage? A quick Google reveals that the first person to answer this question with an effective, well-branded, all-natural product will strike gold. There's not one answer. I asked my vet the other day, and she recommended the somewhat new product Revolution. It apparently protects against fleas, ticks and heartworm. But I know it's not all-natural, so I don't think we'll be headed in that direction.

Here's an amalgam of all the organic flea/tick remedies I've found, and we'll be trying several of these, so watch for a post with my follow-up report on their efficacy:

(1) The first thing you find is that healthy dogs repel fleas and ticks. I find this to be partially true. I do think Bailey's not getting any ticks since we switched his food to homemade. But he has been doing a little biting and I'm not sure health can fight a vicious flea season. It's starting to warm up around the Bay Area, and I don't think being healthy is quite enough.

(2) The flea comb. This is the second thing you'll read: get a flea comb. We actually had one - it was Kodie's little brush - and I pulled it out today and gave Bailey a really good once over (okay, thrice over). Those help, too, but I'm not certain you can actually *see* a flea to know for sure if your dog has em.

(3) Garlic, of vampire fighting fame, is believed to be an effective flea/tick repellent only right after crushing. If you cook it into the foods, it loses its preventative powers (though not its other nutrients). So you want to crush it on your dog's food right before serving. We've been crushing one clove over Bailey's food for about a week now, and it's only somewhat effective.

(4) Neem Oil. I've read about this stuff in several different news groups. You can apparently buy it naturally and add it to shampoos, or dilute it with water and spray it on your pet. I ordered a commercial product, the Ark Naturals Neem Protect Spray, and will let you know what I think.

(5) Only Natural's Pet All-in-One Flea Remedy is another product I've ordered and will report on. Have heard this also works very well.

(6) Cloud Nine Herbal Dip by Halo. Have read this works well though haven't tried it.

(7) Essentail Oils - if you're into these, apparently Citronella, cedar, peppermint, rosemary, eucalyptus, lemongrass and lavendar work well, if you put them on your dog's collar, or spray them onto the dog frequently. Young Living Essential Oils is apparently a good source.

You can read more about these and other natural flea and tick prevention tips here and here.

Have you had your CBC today?

On Saturday night, around 2 am, I woke up, rolled over, and petted Bailey. Only to find a bump on his side.
Upon further inspection, it was oozing and crusting and looking rather unhealthy.
I picked him up, and ran to the other room, where Temple had passed out:
"Honey, look," I barked. "Bailey has a tumor. Look! Look!"
He didn't even have time to awake from his slumber before I had declared a Code Red Emergency. I spent the next three hours examining the unwanted intruder. I tried wetting it with a washcloth, to see if it was just something he'd rolled in. That elicited an endless flow of puss, which scared me even more. And then I watched as it alternated between little bits of blood and crusty scab-like material. I googled and googled. Weeping tumors. Tumors on dogs. Puss and tumors. I'd read something about tumors related to Kodie's cancer (malignant histiocytosis), and the evidence was piling up that Bailey also had the disease. He'd vomited twice in the past three weeks. And he was making those swallowing/lip-smacking noises that Kodie was. Only thing missing was lack of appetite, but that symptom would have a hard time manifesting in Bailey, who lives for food.

By 5:30 am, I had Bailey loaded in the car and was down the block on my way -- again -- to the emergency vet. Until I called my mom.

"Just wait. It's not cancer," she reasoned. "Oh, and happy mother's day." I'd waken her at 5:30 am on Mother's Day with not a mention of it. What a daughter.

I listened, I argued, I reasoned, and ultimately, I capitulated. "If it is a tumor, one day is not going to make a difference," she said. "And you'll save $1500 going to regular vet instead of the emergency vet. Anyway, you hate the emergency vet!"

She got me there. I couldn't stand to go back to that damn vet.

So yesterday (Monday), we made our way to the HMB vet. She was sweet and apologetic about Kodie, and very understanding about my concern for Bailey. Though she doesn't think it's a tumor, she suspects it was some other invasive substance (like a foxtail), which can also be very dangerous. She pulled it off and put Bailey on antibiotics.

I also asked (nay, demanded!) that we do a CBC on Bailey. CBC stands for a complete blood count, and the truth is, I'm not going to get over my fear that Bailey, too, could have cancer, until I see those results. Those were our first indicator that Kodie wasn't just "a fussy eater" (his results showed elevated calcium, low albumin, and increased globulin). I've since read a lot about people who test their dogs' blood and fecal samples every 6 months. So while we may not do it that often, I'll probably do it every year with Bailey's annual check-up. It costs $100, and I think you can do a topline blood panel for less. I chose to do the in-depth one so we'd have a good baseline.

We get the results today. I will, of course, let you know.

UPDATE: we got the test results, and Bailey is as healthy as can be.

You've Got Mail!

What a Day to be a dog! Just in time for my return from Seattle, everything arrived.

After a quick trip to Starbucks and an extensive walk, Bailey and I made our way to the mailbox, where we hit the motherlode: three package notices. And they were all for Bo! One contained our new Orbee balls (though we'd just used a tennis ball on our walk), another was the final dog nutrition book, and the final was a box of new-trition. I'll get back to that in a minute.

After that, we headed down to the HMB dog store, where Bailey took a particular liking to Dr Becker's Bites. I read the ingredients, and they are pretty pure (liver, Vitamin E and garlic). Especially like the "Baked on" date on the bag. April 18 - that's 3 weeks ago. Cool. Aside from the open box of bulk food that he always takes freely from, I've never seen Boda select a treat so forcefully.

Then we were off to Whole Foods, where I found that they carry Halo brand pet foods. These are made by the woman who wrote the only dog food book I recommend, the Whole Pet Diet, and whose company is now co-owned by Ellen Degeneres. The 20 oz cans of Spot's Stew (for someone Bailey's size) are $4 a pop, and I'm pretty sure he'd need 1 in the morning and 1 at night. I bought two for emergencies, but those aren't a realistic option for us. That said, when you read the ingredients, you'll see it's the purest list you've ever seen. And it's literally the same Spot's Stew recipe we've been making out of her book. So onward, Jeeves! Take us to the produce aisle for stew ingredients!

I picked up the usual, but doubled the amount so I could make enough for a whole week this time: organic celery, carrots, 4 little zucchinis, 4 yellow squash, a few handfuls of green beans and 2 sweet potatoes. You really don't need much of these to make a weeks' worth of stew. Then I picked up 2 lbs of lean ground beef at the butcher, where I also saw they had ground lamb, buffalo, and a bunch of other things we could eventually try, but that cost twice as much.

All of this, for those of you counting, cost $17. We already have the grains at home (quinoa, barley, bulgar, etc), and I've already purchased the Essential Fatty Acids oils that I put in. So if the two batches I whipped up tonight can last the whole week, this nets out to about $1K a year. I'm not sure what I was spending on kibble, but this is the best use of $1000 I can think of.

Now, the fine print: I also bought a bunch of other food stuff that arrived in the mail on Friday (new-trition). These things aren't recommended by the Whole Pet Diet, but by the supposed pet cooking guru: Dr Pitcairn. I didn't buy everything he recommends (a thoroughly overwhelming mix of vitamins and minerals), but I did buy the ingredients for his Healthy Powder. Healthy Powder consists of nutritional (brewer's) yeast, lecithin, vitamin c, kelp powder and Kal Bone Meal. If you're interested, I can tell you the brands I chose, but suffice it to say all are available on Amazon. Basically, you mix a bit of each together, refrigerate the mixture, and give 1 TBSP on top of every meal. Total cost of all these supplies was something like $60.

So our routine is now to:
(1) cook one stew batch for the fridge and one for the freezer
(2) add a tbsp of healthy powder before serving
(3) add a tbsp of the EFA oil mixture before serving
Plus two occasional, non-mandatories:
(4) crush a clove of garlic on top since we're no longer frontlining
(5) add some chopped parsley for good digestion

This sounds absolutely nutso, I know.
And you should see "my shelf" in the fridge -- it's now Bodie's shelf.
But it's really not that hard.
And I'm only on my third time.
I'm sure I'll work out the process into a streamlined, simple system.
And I'm going to keep track of what I spend, and also the effects on Bailey, so I can offer some advice about which parts of this chaos are worth it, and which are a waste of time.

I can report one act of restraint which might restore your faith in my sanity. The dog store was selling elevated food bowl stands for $100. I've seen the elevated bowls around, but honestly haven't read much on them. Apparently they are ergonomically correct and help improve digestion. Since we've shaken up Bailey's diet so much, so suddenly, any digestion aids are good. But $100? I couldn't justify that. So we came home and "elevated" Bailey's bowl ourselves by putting it up on a teak side table. Worked quite well; digestion issues solved.

UPDATE: Oh, one other thing arrived. Kodie's ashes. Got a call from the vet that they are in. I haven't been quite up to retrieving them, but I will soon, because we're having a ceremony in exactly 13 days, as soon as Buppy & Paunnie & Grandogma arrive for the 2008 summer session of Camp Fluppy Puppy.

Do Tennis Balls Cause Cancer in Dogs?

What? Tennis balls!!! Our goldens constantly have a ballie in their mouths. Could they be a potential source of cancer?

Last Friday, Temple & I took Bailey to Pampered Puppy to give him his first two-person bath. He loved being double teamed ;-)

But you can imagine our surprise when the wonderful owner, after hearing about Kodie, took Bailey's tennis ball from his mouth and told us we should not allow these nefarious toys in our house. Through broken English, she warned us about the dyes and materials used to create tennis ball felt.

I immediately ran home, loaded with guilt, and hit up the Planet Dog site to order a bunch of Orbee Balls.

But after doing a LOT of research, I've come to the conclusion that this is a myth. Sure, tennis balls are probably not as healthy to put in their mouths as carrots. And they do get dirty and touch all kinds of things on the ground. So I recommend rinsing them off every so often.

But in my quest to raise cancer-free canines, I refuse to go off the deep end. I'll cook for them, worry myself sick about them, and blog constantly on their behalf. But I draw the line at denying my Boys their favorite toys! And I've found no real evidence to confirm this myth.

Dealing with Pet Loss and Grief.

Today I had a break-down. It's been 10 days since Kodie passed, and probably 5 or so days since I've had a good cry.

We took Bailey to Mori Point, and I didn't even want to be there without Kodie. Then, we came home, and I fell into a heap of a three hour nap with Bailey. And then, when I got up, Temple showed me the film loop he'd made of Kodie, which had pictures I hadn't seen, and a sweet little note he wrote that said: "So long, young friend. Bodie & family will miss you immensely." Just seeing his little tribute to Kodie reduced me to serious tears.

So today has been hard. Which is why we decided to whip up another stew for Bailey. I also have a business trip this Wed-Thurs, and am dreading being away for even one night. I *hate* being away from my boys. Hate it.

Can't wait for my mom to arrive with her two goldens, Buppy and Paunnie, so Camp Fluppy Puppy can begin. Poor Bailey is bored by us. And I am still missing Kodie something awful.

Holistic Dog Food.

Boy do we have a lot to report.

First of all, today we bought Harris Ranch ground beef and made the same stew we made the other night, only this time with Barley instead of Quinoa, and meat instead of chicken. We didn't have to puree it or debone or anything, and Bailey loved it! He ran into the kitchen as soon as it started cooking and begged all night for little sips and tastes. It also only took 30 mins instead of 2 hours. So I think I highly recommend using meat over chicken, and adding in bone meal as a calcium source.

On that note, Dr Pitcairn's book is wild! I much prefer the Whole Pet Diet, which has us on an 8-week staged plan, and doesn't overwhelm with all these necessary minerals you have to buy. On the Whole Pet Diet, all I had to buy was the oil mixture (wheat germ oil, cod liver oil, flax oil, olive oil, garlic and rosemary) -- and then of course the ingredients for our stews. In Pitcairn's book, he makes you buy all kinds of stuff you've never heard of. You can tell on Amazon how other pet lovers have bought the mixture, because as soon as you buy kelp powder, it recommends lecithin granules, brewers yeast, and all the other crap you'll need. I bought it all, but then aborted my order when I found out about these three MUCH more convenient alternatives:

(1) Halo Pet Foods - owned by the author of the Whole Pet Diet, and apparently now affiliated with Ellen Degeneres. It appears they sell the Spot's Stew recipe we've been making in canned form at PetCo and Whole Foods, so we may move to this.

(2) Honest Kitchen - I saw these about a year ago in a natural pet food store but was scared away because they seemed difficult. I now see that you just add warm water and meat (raw or cooked, and I guess I prefer cooked). This is easier than what I'm doing now, which is adding everything from scratch ... and I'm probably not getting all the minerals/vitamins right yet.

(3) Sojo's - similar to Honest Kitchen above. I'll have to look into both of them to decide which I like better.

I'm sure there are others as well. I just bought a subscription to Whole Dog Journal in hopes of seeing their food ratings. I've got the meat and veggies and whole grains part down. I just want to make sure Bailey's getting the right amounts of Calcium and Vitamin C. By the way, Vitamin C is apparently the most important thing you can give a Golden for hip displaysia and arthritis (more than glucosamine). And I want to find a solution that is more convenient than what we're doing now (cooking from scratch).

In other news, the Pets for the Environment peeps got in touch, and it turns out, it's National Pet Week! I'd like to help their cause (sending kibble to a lab for analysis), so here's a link to their site. Also, we heard from the breeder with the new pups! This pet blogging thing could certainly become a full-time job; too bad I have several projects ramping up and another work trip to Seattle this week. We found a neighbor who watches a lot of the local goldens to keep Bailey during the days while Temple is at work. This is HUGE, because we really don't want Bailey alone when I'm out of town.

Final link of the day: Buppy the Puppy, who has his own blog, sent us this link to a front page article from the Arizona Republic about the booming field of Veterinary Oncology.

Pet Memorials.

Today we got another sympathy card for dear Kodie. Amazing how many friends and fans he had. All our friends, but also other neighborhood doggies, his vets, the neighborhood dog walker, etc. I also got some pictures I forgot I had ordered through iPhoto. This one is of Kodie's last moments. He passed away in my arms, in exactly this position. Precious little sweetheart was still smiling.

I also phoned about Kodie's little ashes, which we will be spreading at Montara Beach in a ceremony with Bailey and my mom's two goldens (when they arrive for summer camp in 18 days). If you are ever in the unfortunate situation of having a pet pass away, I have found Animal Memorial Service to be very humane and caring.

We also met somebody, while on the walk yesterday with Bailey, who reminded us very much of Kodie. Glitter was extremely well-trained, and a golden of the smaller, softie pooftie variety. Apparently her sister is having pups, and there may be a few goldens unspoken for in the litter. Not sure if we are ready for a puppy ... but what the hell! We miss Kodie somethin' fierce. And Bailey is still in his malaise.

Cooking for Your Dog

Today we cooked for Bailey.

I shouldn’t even blog about this until we get the process simplified. But I promised to tell the truth about our switch to holistic pet care, so here it is: blood, guts, chicken liver, and all.

For our first home-cooked meal, we went with The Whole Pet Diet’s Spot’s Stew. You need a 10-qt stock pot, and then you just slow-simmer an organic chicken, a bunch of whole grains (we used 10 oz of quinoa) and some coarsely chopped zucchini, squash, celery, carrots, green beans, garlic, rosemary, kelp powder, and sweet potatoes. Piece o’ cake.

The stew was the bomb, and we couldn’t help serving ourselves as well as Bailey. "Tonight, Bo, we eat like kings!" You’d be surprised how much bulk the quinoa adds. Bailey couldn’t finish what we gave him, and we’re stuffed with days’ worth of leftovers in the fridge.

But the post-game analysis is to avoid cooking chicken.

The problem is you have to debone it. And even after you’ve done that thoroughly, there are still bones left hiding. I guarantee it. We thought we were done deboning, and we’d even served Bailey his dish, when we started scooping the rest out … only to find a hidden bone. Damn it.

We looked at each other, guilt-ridden for shortcutting the recipe, and decided in unison: we gotta do the Cuisinart puree. Small batch by small batch. We scooped out some broth, added some chicken, and added some of the quinoa/veggie mixture. Pulse. Scoop out. Repeat.

It was a total pain in the ass. And our kitchen was hit! Suffice it to say we spent the ENTIRE day hunting and gathering ingredients, and the ENTIRE night stewing, pureeing, measuring, storing, and cleaning. And neither of us wants to eat what this dish morphed into: pureed, baby food crap. We hope Bailey still likes it!

Whole truth: it was fun. Temple is a willing and even supportive, enthusiastic participant.
And today was a Saturday. We didn’t have anything else to do. And we are enjoying lavishing Bailey with love and attention.

But next time, we cook beef. Same stew recipe. But no puree. We throw shit in, we simmer, we go.

September Mourning.

It's only May, but Bailey is definitely in mourning.

Some tips if you lose a dog:

(1) Don't leave your dog alone. Bailey has come everywhere with us. You'd be surprised the places that allow dogs! Bailey has been to Office Depot twice, the hardware store, the post office, and the mailbox. He's also come with me and waited outside at the gym and the grocery. Yesterday I had to go to Seattle for business, so I asked my spousal equivalent, Temple, to stay home with Bailey. He did. We won't do this forever, but until Bailey gets his old spunk back, he won't spend one second alone.

(2) Watch behaviors. Bailey doesn't jump up and down for his food anymore. He goes outside and sits in the spot where Kodie used to chew his bone. He doesn't really beg for walks. And he spends a lot of time laying with his head on his paws, looking sad. He's just started, as of last night, to renew interest in his toys. So maybe, just maybe, he is starting to emerge from the cloud of grief that has engulfed us all.

(3) Talk to your dog and give him tons of love and attention. This is obvious. But I am surprised at how much less natural talking there is around the house with only one dog. Seems that when there are two dogs, you find yourself saying "I'm doing this, boys -- or later we'll do that, boys." I have to force myself to continue that with just one dog around. At the same time, I'm surprised at how much more attention I am able to give Bailey with just one dog in the house, and how much more attention he gets on the walks now that Kodie isn't stealing the show by laminating himself to the thigh of every passer-by.

I know Bailey is hurting just as much - if not more - than we are.

Pets for the Environment.

Three days into this blog, and we've already found a kindred spirit!

Check out Pets for the Environment, which will be sending dog food samples to a lab to be tested for chemicals. Can't wait to see what they learn - I'm sure it will be distressing.

Which is where our home cooking advice and recipes will certainly come in handy.

You can sign up for the Pets for the Environment newsletter, or download their list of Healthy Pet Tips - things you should know about how your own household could be poisoning your pets.

I must say that this newfound cause, though tragic in its birth, is much more rewarding than application and interface design! And looking at little Kodie's picture on my counter, I can at least feel like I'm doing something to help him and the countless other Kodies who will succumb to cancer after him.

What to Feed Your Dog

This blog is about to move out of its mourning phase and spring into action.

Today our education begins, with: Better Food for Dogs, Dr Pitcairn's Natural Health for Dogs & Cats and The Whole Pet Diet. These are just some of the books we've ordered, that we will read FOR you, so we can advise on what you should be feeding your animals. And we just signed up for a course in veterinary homeopathy.

We'll be looking into things like:
(1) Kinds of dog cancers, and how to avoid them

(2) What symptoms to look for in your dog (I didn't know that fussy eating was a huge sign)

(3) Alternatives to Frontline

(4) The best supplements to give your dog (glucosamine alternatives, and brands of vitamins, fish oil and antioxidants)

(5) The big questions: Is raw food - or Dr. Billinghurst's BARF diet - healthy? Is any Kibble acceptable? Can I cook for my dog? Is there a fast, cheap way? Is any of the stuff like this WholeMeals diet (see website pic) actually legit?

(6) When to get a new dog when your dog passes, and how to integrate the new fella

(7) Resources and websites for all kinds of animal issues

(8) Holistic veterinary medicine - reviews of actual vets, and Bailey's experience trying it all out

(9) Common toxins in our homes and how to make sure our pets are not exposed to them.

So buckle up and bark on. Your dog is about to get healthy.

The Dog Walk

With pits in our stomachs and tears in our eyes, we embarked.

Five days after Kodie's last little breath, Bailey and I steeled ourselves and headed out for our "typical" daily walk. We've walked, for sure. But we purposely hadn't been on this trail, just the two of us, since the day before Kodie was diagnosed.

April 17 -- we hadn't a care in the world that day. I wonder if we even cherished the walk enough. As I look back at my calendar, I see that was the day I went to Microsoft Re-Mix in Mountain View. So now I remember, our walk was an abbreviated one, at 2:30 in the afternoon. My calendar also reveals that the day before, we had ironically all gone to the vet for Bailey's annual check-up, where Kodie snuggled up to the vet, but of course no one knew anything was wrong.

Back to the walk.
Bailey did his very best Kodie impersonation.
He fetched tirelessly, and more enthusiastically than usual.
He even came when I called him.
He was trying to show me we'd be okay.

But I still cried the whole time.
Because nobody laminated themselves to my leg.
There was nobody for Bailey to chase.
And nobody looked back to see if I was coming.
Our once happy, proud and unstoppable family was now quieted, meek, and fragile.
Bailey and I, clinging to each other's sides, afraid to step too far ahead of each other for fear we would find ourselves alone.

And at the end of the mountain hike, I put Bailey's leash on him, headed up the street to our house, and proceeded to say, as I always do, "it's the good boy Bodie, and the good boy Kodie."

I said it anyway. I figured Bailey wouldn't understand the meaning if I didn't finish the sentence.

Kodie Bear

I still remember the day we met.
We had driven two hours, up to Lodi, on a Wednesday evening.
And we had no idea who or what would greet us at the other end.

I got out of the car, and helped Bailey down.
“Where is he?” I wanted to be quick about it. It was a school night.“He’s just finished his bath – I’ll bring him out,” Jill said.

I sat down on the ground, expecting to meet someone timid, and not even sure we'd want to leave with this person.
Just then a happy fluffy furball came bounding towards me.
It seemed he was going to crash into me, but he put on the brakes, turned his body around, and sat his buns right down on my lap.

And that’s pretty much how we’d spend the next three years together.

As long as I knew Kodie, he would run towards me with vim and vigor and delight. And then he'd slow down, lean in, and get in the snuggle.

If I sat down, on the couch, on the bed, or at my computer, he would jump up beside me and put his head on my lap.

If one of us laid down on the couch, he would find the cubby hole behind our knees and curl up inside it.
If I reached for my keyboard and tried to type, Kodie would intercept my hands with his head, directing me to pet him rather than stare so seriously at that silver box. He was teaching me to lighten up.

On our walks, he was my workout partner. Always three steps ahead, he'd set the pace, and then look back to make sure his trainee was coming.

And oh, how he loved to fetch. First, he'd crouch into the cutest little fetching stance, which would actually give him a first-mover disadvantage. Then he'd watch the ball intently, and move to it ever so quickly. He'd snatch that ball out of mid-air, lifting all four paws off the ground like a soccer star, and then prance around in wild celebration. Finally, he'd drop the ball so his big brother Bo could bring it in and have all the glory.

He was thrilled to go anywhere, but his favorite walk destination was the beach. The first time he saw it, he galavanted so wildly, we wondered if he was having a seizure. Nope, he was doing the “rocking horse wild man,” and he did it everytime he got around ocean water.

He took his first swim at the bay near Maverick’s. Grandogma was in town, and she stood by and cheered as KoBear pumped his little shoulders and struggled to keep his head above water.

He was always the one I could count on to do my dirty work. Bailey wouldn’t come? Just tell Kodie to go get his big brother Bo.  Sho' Nuff, he’d run down mountains, over cliffs, and across entire beaches to fetch that doggie, even if it meant making 2 or 3 trips. A golden retriever, indeed.

It is with unspeakable sadness that I report the little baby Kodie went to sleep forever in my arms Friday morning, as I sang him songs about his life, and petted him in all his favorite places. The vet, who’d known him all of four days, sobbed uncontrollably.

I'm still searching for answers as to why this little boy, who charmed the pants off everyone with whom he came in contact, could contract such a virulent form of cancer at such a young age. Our house is so lonely and quiet without our favorite little cheerleader, Bailey’s little puppy, Kodie.

But I am comforted by all the pictures we took. The fact that we celebrated every day. And never took him for granted. 

I have fond memories of great hikes, swims, trips & adventures. And I am ever-so-grateful the little guy was in our life. He brought tremendous energy, spirit and love to our household. He taught me the merits of remaining a puppy. How by showing love, you will be rewarded with love. And the almighty power of an ear-to-ear golden retriever smile.

And so, it is in honor of Kodie, that I begin a quest to keep our pets happy, healthy, and cancer-free. This blog will be central command for everything I can learn about dog health, the appalling rise in pet cancers, what we should be feeding them, whether holistic veterinary medicine works, and how we can keep man's best friends alive longer. Because really, is there anything more important?